Some of you might get my Star Wars reference!
Children and animals have much to teach us about focus. Notice what they ignore and where they direct their attention…they usually ignore us and our demands and instead focus on their happiness and enjoyment! We usually choose to see this power of focus as a flaw in their behaviour and something that needs to be changed to suit our wishes. This is the challenge I see so often in behaviour issues with both children and animals, as they attempt to follow their bliss and we get in the way!
We choose to see ulterior motives in their bliss seeking behaviour and see their focus as a direct insult to us or an offence. However, let’s be upfront and honest here - they are focused on what they WANT, NOT on “defying” our wishes or refusing to do what we want. Isn’t that a less judgmental and more solutions-focused way of looking at it?
Children get described as off task or defiant, non-compliant, or accused of displaying oppositional defiance, being disruptive, and easily distracted…the list goes on and on and none of these words actually define what the child is doing. The labels or words seem to provide some sort of security in knowing that it’s not us at fault. We talk about the issue and become infuriated and then most of us get whipped into a state of anger where we are more likely to make errors of judgement with lasting negative consequences.
What we want to encourage – focus - is in fact the very thing that drives us mad when it’s not directed on what we want them to focus on!
What we are trying to subdue is the very thing that we need to harness – focus which includes commitment, perseverance and sustained attention.
Focus is NOT our strong point as adults – we also choose to label focus in children as obsessions or addictions – again implying that they have some fault that needs addressing – again I remind us of our own lack of focus that surfaces in our own list of not so good. “obsessions” or addictions – that just happen to be socially acceptable to adults! Be honest and ponder your own obsessions…
We all have issues – this is normal – it is the degree to which your issues interfere in your daily functioning that matters. Your interpretation of the issue or the label you give it is often damaging and simply perpetuates a habit by implying it is just who you are. If you find yourself obsessed with anything assess to what extent does it stop you functioning on a daily basis? Is it life threatening or is it something you can reduce or minimise? There is s huge difference between enjoying a glass of wine and being an alcoholic – you might even be a wine connoisseur, that doesn’t make you an alcoholic. Just because a child likes playing games on his device doesn’t mean he is addicted to it!
Labelling something doesn’t make it go away either – in fact in the real world a label helps us find something…how’s that for a thought?
So, what do we do if we find our children ignoring us and driving us crazy with their “focus”?
Here are a few ideas to keep you focused on solutions and making a teachable moment out of difficult situation. I have included preventative measures as well as in the moment strategies:
Give children a time frame or count down and allow them to wind down from their activity (age dependent here, visual timers help) – you will still get grunts and sighs but you have given them a heads up and this shows respect for their time too
Have set free time for children (short and sharp 10-15 minutes) where you join in with their “focused” activity – connection is vital and we don’t do this enough
Stand your ground on fewer issues – you then carry more weight when needed – pick your battles! Have clear boundaries and expectations that are agreed as a family (when everyone is in a good space!)
Call your children for no reason at random times and thank them for something or give them a hug or a favourite treat or anything they like – keep them guessing
Extension of above - Call your child and if they don’t come within a set timeframe, they don’t get the “prize” – this is great fun and really keeps them guessing!
Now and again call them, ask them to do part of a chore and then say thanks and you have done such a good job I will finish it or something similar – randomly letting them return to their preferred activity
Have fun with the above and stay calm and relaxed and see all of these strategies as teaching moments – comment on their focus and ability to get stuff done that they like doing. Avoid being critical when it is something you don’t approve of – we can slowly redirect activities but criticism is always going to drive any activity that gets disapproval underground, which is NOT a good idea.
Learn from your children and keep in mind what is your big picture, what is your ultimate desire for them? Write it down if it helps and I am sure that you all want them to be independent adults who have a passion for life and what they do…or something along those lines? Let’s look for what we want and focus on that and watch the changes happen!